James Bond Is An Alcoholic In Need Of Professional Help, According To A New Study

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Everyone knows that James Bond enjoys the occasional tipple, which he obviously prefers in the form of a martini, shaken, not stirred. At any rate, while most of us just assumed that 007’s penchant for martinis was just a character quirk, apparently this whole time he’s been masking a serious drinking problem.

That’s what public health experts at the University of Otago in New Zealand want you to believe, anyway. A new study in the Medical Journal of Australia titled “License to swill: James Bond’s drinking over six decades” examined James Bond movies from 1962 to 2015 to get a better understanding of a fictional character’s alcohol use — because that seems like a good use of everybody’s time.

Over the course of 24 films spanning six decades, the findings overwhelmingly suggested that the British special agent exhibited “problematic alcohol consumption.”

“Chronic risks include frequently drinking prior to fights, driving vehicles (including in chases), high stakes gambling, operating complex machinery or devices, contact with dangerous animals, extreme athletic performance and sex with enemies, sometimes with guns or knives in the bed,” lead author Professor Nick Wilson of the University of Otago, Wellington, says.

Dangerous animals he has dealt with after drinking include a snake, a scorpion and a komodo dragon.

The study concludes that in the long-term, Bond should seek professional help for his drinking and find healthy alternatives for managing his on-the-job stress. It also suggests that he pursue some of his other interests, such as the study of moths and butterflies, which was revealed in 1969’s On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

That sounds like box office gold, for sure.

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